What happened when you brought emotions into your life?

I never experience life like this before. Ever since I am a child, I like to do things systematically. Do not want any feelings or emotions into my tasks or jobs. Feel like it would mess up everything or actually slow down the progress. And in fact, it does.

Since last year, (2008) I ask God for more love in my life. I ask for emotions. And now, whatever I do, I felt the dissapointment, the excitement, the hatred, the likeness. And everything I do, I have to think about other people, about how they feel.

Maybe is all these emotions, the worst emotions I had is loneliness.

These days, I had so much loneliness, I felt my life is going to stop. Every time feels like giving up to those tasks that I am doing. Hate myself for that. For being so weak. For being grumbling all the time. Eventhough my friends keep telling me to be strong, hold myself up and start walking again.

But how can I with all the burden at my back. Trying to throw away but to tell the truth, no one in my life that I can share my burden with. Coz I never share with people before. Always just show them my strong side, my good side. I imagined no one knows my bad side, my weak side, coz I never tell. But even if they know. Is because they found out themselves.

Like now. I hate my condition now. Imagine me eating just rice and abit of vegetables as dish. No money, not many friends that I could put my trust in, no girlfriend, no house, no proper job, nobody that could encourage me to push me up and go forward.

Well, maybe is me. But in this world, is it that we should ask for help then help could come? Why no one could hear the cry inside my heart? I am tired. Want to stop.

For so long, God wanted to change me. I wanted to change. But I realized, the more I want to change, the more difficulties I realized and have to face. Wanted to go on but too tired. What to do now?

I see some people just go forward without think. It is great this way. But what happened if they stop for rest. Would they end up like what I am doing now? Hate myself for being such a weak person.

Well, all I could say is hope I can get to stand up and walk forward full of confidence again. Once again to be happy, really happy from the heart and walk for God.