All my complaints and all my worries From the depth of my HEART.

命は何ですか? 私達は何の為に生まれたんですか? これは、今は私の質問です。どうして、私は日本に呼び掛けられるか いつも考えているんの困る問題です。私の生活にとって、いつでも楽しみに生かしています。今まで、困るの問題は考えていない、神様に任せる、一方で、楽し事が覚えるだけ、そういう生活です。

こんな生活は今までです。これから、神様は私に段々難しの経験をあげます。困ったなあ、お金の問題があるし、大学入るの問題もあるし、どうすればいいんですか。もし、全部の問題は解からなれば、寝られないという問題があるし、生活に楽しくなくて生きるし、生活は全然喜悦じゃない。
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Through this way, I wonder if I can express my feelings completely?

I wonder if every human is as weak as me. I feel as if in this life, there is nothing we can do. Nothing. For me, everything just depend on God makes me feel so weak, but like japanese words said, "仕方がない" means there is no other way.

Maybe I have beng trying to solve problems my way for too long. God trying to change that to HIS way. And it works. But now besides depend on HIM, there is nothing I can do.

Japan for me is a very new country. All problems that I have, would not want my parents to worry. So what should I do? Tell to my friends? Haha, no one would listen to me. Funny sometimes, I am able to help people with their problems by listening, and it makes me feel good as well. But when I have problems, there would not one people in this world can help me solve it. I feel not even one person would even lend me their time to listen.

Life in Japan is new for me. I am now learning to grow up, not depend on my parents and try to earn my own living. Try to prove to people that I can live on myself and earn my own life. Not being a spoiled kid. Everytime I hear people said I am a rich kid, that doesn't need to work, somewhere deep in my heart have a will to prove to these people that I am not. Most of the time, I try to find some jobs that can earn me a stable living. I hate changing jobs and I cannot do much heavy jobs. I wonder if that's wrong mentality.

Life for me now is just a start. It is a starting point for me. For me to change and being a changed person. I know my life would be here. I want to stay here. I will find my way to survive here.

Besides finding a part time job is hard, enter to an university is like HARDER. Everyone keep telling me to grow up. Most of the time, I felt that if we keep things easy, we are able to solve it better. But sometimes we have to think deeper to find a way out.

Not only jobs and university giving me headaches. But Japanese language. When can I master it? When can I listen properly? When can I give myself some secure answer that I would pass it and when can I be sure that I can enter to the right university?

Living here makes me feel unsecure for the first time in my life. Everything is so blur. Not even one problem can we see the future or hope. Everything have to depend on prayer and God's help.

What should we do to breakthrough then? When can we do the right decision then? Where is the right way out then? It is really scary to keep all the problems in our heart without expressing it. It is hard enough to put a smile on our face in front of everyone. I wonder when can be the best time for me to take down my mask. Everytime seeing people around me, would not try to worry them or scare them with my weaknesses. Rather I suffer myself rather than everyone around me suffer with me. This is me from my childhood to now. Everyone deserves to be happy. No one deserves to see sadness. So we should solve our own problems no matter what.

Well, for me, maybe If I found my soul mate, then and only then, I would put my mask down and only show my sadness to her. Haha. If not, I cannot be a complete human, only I love people but never received love. Maybe that's why I never know how to be love and never have relationship.

Anyway, feels so tired. Not from sleeping too much but from all these frustration. Feels like letting all go for awhile and do something fun for awhile. But when think that I have to go alone. Not gonna do anything. Wasting money as well.

No matter what, would try to push myself up again. Just wonder when I can be all right again. Hope it is soon because exams is near and entrance to university needs to be solve. Argh.. where is my listener when I need them.

God has plan for me and It would do me good, not harm. I should endure it and through it. But need energy and encouragement. Haha, if only I can have my own friends that I could trust and rely on.

What a funny thing to ask. v(*_*)v