I never experience life like this before. Ever since I am a child, I like to do things systematically. Do not want any feelings or emotions into my tasks or jobs. Feel like it would mess up everything or actually slow down the progress. And in fact, it does.
Since last year, (2008) I ask God for more love in my life. I ask for emotions. And now, whatever I do, I felt the dissapointment, the excitement, the hatred, the likeness. And everything I do, I have to think about other people, about how they feel.
Maybe is all these emotions, the worst emotions I had is loneliness.
These days, I had so much loneliness, I felt my life is going to stop. Every time feels like giving up to those tasks that I am doing. Hate myself for that. For being so weak. For being grumbling all the time. Eventhough my friends keep telling me to be strong, hold myself up and start walking again.
But how can I with all the burden at my back. Trying to throw away but to tell the truth, no one in my life that I can share my burden with. Coz I never share with people before. Always just show them my strong side, my good side. I imagined no one knows my bad side, my weak side, coz I never tell. But even if they know. Is because they found out themselves.
Like now. I hate my condition now. Imagine me eating just rice and abit of vegetables as dish. No money, not many friends that I could put my trust in, no girlfriend, no house, no proper job, nobody that could encourage me to push me up and go forward.
Well, maybe is me. But in this world, is it that we should ask for help then help could come? Why no one could hear the cry inside my heart? I am tired. Want to stop.
For so long, God wanted to change me. I wanted to change. But I realized, the more I want to change, the more difficulties I realized and have to face. Wanted to go on but too tired. What to do now?
I see some people just go forward without think. It is great this way. But what happened if they stop for rest. Would they end up like what I am doing now? Hate myself for being such a weak person.
Well, all I could say is hope I can get to stand up and walk forward full of confidence again. Once again to be happy, really happy from the heart and walk for God.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Guess we can't push our way thru fate.
I guess this is what it feels like dissapointment. Try so hard to change the fate that had given to you.
I always wonder whether we could defy something that God created.. Not that I am bad but just hope that sometimes we can have our own way. But in the end, I knew the result is no.
Starting from this year, I realized I have so much to do here. No matter what dissapointment I am facing, but I still realized life have to go on. The tasks that God given to me have to go on. I cannot stop. So I would stop giving myself excuse and stay there. I want to live more outward for God and for my own sake.
Yesterday, I had an interesting conversation with one of my friend. Is about me growing up. To tell the truth, haven't I? Maybe some people see me as naive. But I guess depends on how people look at me. For myself, it is a way to prevent the world reality to hit me at my heart and prevents me from walking forward.
People have to find their way to walk forward, and unfortunately, most people tend to keep secrets in their heart and try to walk forward. But the truth maybe is they are neither going forward nor backward. Just standing there and try to figure out how to change the current situation.
Maybe thats why people cannot accept christ. Because they do not want to be expose. They do not want to be identify as a failure and being not able to do something, especially man. Well, for myself. I am trying to live forward. Realizing my own mistakes and try to change as much as I can. I hate people tell out my mistakes, but I hate even more if I have more self pity on myself and stuck on the past.
Wonder how does you guys feel about your life and do you know whether you are living forward or backward or stagnant? If anyone have any problems, can always share with me. I am always there to listen and pray for you.
God bless everyone. (^_^)
I always wonder whether we could defy something that God created.. Not that I am bad but just hope that sometimes we can have our own way. But in the end, I knew the result is no.
Starting from this year, I realized I have so much to do here. No matter what dissapointment I am facing, but I still realized life have to go on. The tasks that God given to me have to go on. I cannot stop. So I would stop giving myself excuse and stay there. I want to live more outward for God and for my own sake.
Yesterday, I had an interesting conversation with one of my friend. Is about me growing up. To tell the truth, haven't I? Maybe some people see me as naive. But I guess depends on how people look at me. For myself, it is a way to prevent the world reality to hit me at my heart and prevents me from walking forward.
People have to find their way to walk forward, and unfortunately, most people tend to keep secrets in their heart and try to walk forward. But the truth maybe is they are neither going forward nor backward. Just standing there and try to figure out how to change the current situation.
Maybe thats why people cannot accept christ. Because they do not want to be expose. They do not want to be identify as a failure and being not able to do something, especially man. Well, for myself. I am trying to live forward. Realizing my own mistakes and try to change as much as I can. I hate people tell out my mistakes, but I hate even more if I have more self pity on myself and stuck on the past.
Wonder how does you guys feel about your life and do you know whether you are living forward or backward or stagnant? If anyone have any problems, can always share with me. I am always there to listen and pray for you.
God bless everyone. (^_^)
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