This is BULLSHIT

Is this kind of life I signed myself for? A life that keep getting hurt?

I already have no place to cry on. No one to talk to. No one to share my problems. Already so bad inside my heart. Still someone still have to ripped my pride and say I am flirting?

I wonder if asking a girl out just for a chat about serious stuff consider like asking them out? I feel all this is BULLSHIT. I am doing the right thing but being accuse of bad. I feel my pride being taken and being stamped on the floor.

Is this really kind of trials that I am prepared for? I am ready for any trials face to face if I done the wrong thing. I would take the blame if I know its somehow wrong. But not this. Not these BULLSHIT stuff. What have I done to deserve this punishment?? Maybe for some people, this is nothing. Being accused and being ripped apart of your pride. But my pride is my everything. I hate people accuse me if I am doing the right thing. Why the hell?

Church is suppose to be a place of love. A place to teach love. I consider myself a very patient person. Do not get angry and just keep quiet to handle problems. This is too much even for me. I have my limit too.

Anyway, I have enough. I wonder if I am suitable to lead in such a church. I feel so incompetent.
This is sick. This is just wrong for me. Anyway. enough of my crap.

What is this relationship??

It has being 3 months since I touch this blog. I wonder what I am doing? Complain to this wall. Sometimes I felt no one understand what my mind is like. So just talking to this wall guess it helps kinda let out my problems.

God had put this relationship mentality in my mind. But I really keep thinking until now. Never stop wondering.

Why everyone so craving for a life partner? Why everyone craving for love of the opposite sex?

These days I saw more and more married couples. It makes me think. What is the requirements for great relationship and being blessed by God?

What kind of risk we have to take to get the love that belong to us? How we know who is she or he?

I don understand and I don know anymore. I never take any risk in relationship. Never. Rather be safe than sorry.

Relationship involves time and energy. Why the opposite sex would willing to sacrifice her/his time for us? What is our value even? I feel like do not like to waste the opposite sex time and love. They can find someone better than me. Sacrifice myself is better than sacrifice others.

I know maybe selfish to say this but I do not know how to love ppl in deeper relationship. Ppl in church keeps telling me.. I mix too much with girls. Haha.. what a joke. I could not even get myself to dedicate myself to love one person.

Maybe I hate to loose my freedom and scare to love only 1 person my whole life. How that suppose to feel? I like to have more friends and maybe at night, we might get lonely. So maybe go for beer or get some friends to chat. That would solve the problem.

How can we just dedicate ourself to one person? What are they thinking when get married? My freedom over? OMG, its the end of my single life? What is marriage anw?

I hope to get answers. Haha.. But anyway, I feel like talking to a wall.

God bless.