我做的是对还是错？有谁来告诉我呢？

我心中的痛苦和无奈，要告诉谁呢？ 有谁愿意借他的耳朵来听听我诉苦呢？ 到现在，我不知道来日本是对的选择还是错的。为何我越来越痛苦呢？

感情上的烦恼，生活上的痛苦都放在心里。你知道吗？ 世上的人，都只愿意听我们的快乐。为了每位人的幸福，我只好把快乐告诉你们。把痛苦放在心里。


但我现在好想哭啊。上帝正在教我感情上的释放。但真的很痛苦啊。难道爱一个人也是这么的痛苦吗？从小就被教说男人要坚强，不能哭. 现在我觉得我好软弱。根本不像个男人。每天那么感情化，那么的无奈。

朋友到底是设么？ 家人又是设么？为设么我们需要他们呢？ 我觉得我好没资格去爱人。那么软弱的男人要如何去保护女人呢？

在这世上难道就没有一个人能够教我打开我的心去接受别人的爱吗？ 我需要朋友，也许要陪伴。但每个人都好忙，那可能会费时间来听我诉苦呢？ 快要受不了。

我好期望有真正的朋友来听我诉苦。叫我应该如何的去做。

Thank you for your love.

Who says God not exists? Ever since I am in Japan, I realized I am doing HIS work. and I keep getting HIS blessing.

I understand alot about life. about money saving, about marriage, about alot of things.

I never know I can be saving money. In Japan, the 1 thing that we always lack is money. Everything here is money. Without it u would die. Thats how bad it is. But God showed me that, if I start giving out money, God would bless me. And HE did. its just incredible.

I feel my life is just begun. I have so many more blessings to get. So excited for the next.

Its Time to FIGHT!!!

No more backing away. No more complaining. No more being scared or worry. No more being weak!!

I had enough of myself being so weak. Always just hide away from problems. I would face myself, face those challenges. No more escaping.

I heard about 1 statement. "Idle hands are Devils' playground" Its very true. Whenever we are idling, doing nothing, Devil could always come and mess with our brain. Telling us things that to hinder us away. Like, "you are always lonely", "you are worthless", etc.

So I guess I had enough. Now would give my attention to God.

1 time, my friend told me my blog is very "godly" based. :P
I felt thats the thing I wan to tell people that read my blog. Is that God is my universe. HE always being so good to me. HE always being my blessing too.

Blessing me with such a great chance to Australia, Japan and travelled to so many countries before. What else can I ask for?

Most of all, I found myself through God. I found my confidence in HIM, which i never really had until I met HIM at the age of 22. Before that, I really felt that life only have 1 me. If I died, no one would notice isn't it. But guess God shows me that I am wrong.

Really like those older generations of christians told me is true. The more you know God, the more you would want to praise HIS name and speak of HIM. Nothing else can give u the satisfaction besides that.

Thank you Jeremy for your message about fighting a war!!! I have to fight this war!! Dont rest. Do not let Devil take his chance.

And pastor Danny Guglemuchi message, let me understand that Keep dreaming a vision that given by God and keep going that way. Don back away. We should always just rely on God and go forward. This way, we would achieve goals of God. Not our own.

I had enough of avoiding and resting. Especially self condemn. I must stand up and win this war!! I had more strength than I thought to win this war.

This is BULLSHIT

Is this kind of life I signed myself for? A life that keep getting hurt?

I already have no place to cry on. No one to talk to. No one to share my problems. Already so bad inside my heart. Still someone still have to ripped my pride and say I am flirting?

I wonder if asking a girl out just for a chat about serious stuff consider like asking them out? I feel all this is BULLSHIT. I am doing the right thing but being accuse of bad. I feel my pride being taken and being stamped on the floor.

Is this really kind of trials that I am prepared for? I am ready for any trials face to face if I done the wrong thing. I would take the blame if I know its somehow wrong. But not this. Not these BULLSHIT stuff. What have I done to deserve this punishment?? Maybe for some people, this is nothing. Being accused and being ripped apart of your pride. But my pride is my everything. I hate people accuse me if I am doing the right thing. Why the hell?

Church is suppose to be a place of love. A place to teach love. I consider myself a very patient person. Do not get angry and just keep quiet to handle problems. This is too much even for me. I have my limit too.

Anyway, I have enough. I wonder if I am suitable to lead in such a church. I feel so incompetent.
This is sick. This is just wrong for me. Anyway. enough of my crap.

What is this relationship??

It has being 3 months since I touch this blog. I wonder what I am doing? Complain to this wall. Sometimes I felt no one understand what my mind is like. So just talking to this wall guess it helps kinda let out my problems.

God had put this relationship mentality in my mind. But I really keep thinking until now. Never stop wondering.

Why everyone so craving for a life partner? Why everyone craving for love of the opposite sex?

These days I saw more and more married couples. It makes me think. What is the requirements for great relationship and being blessed by God?

What kind of risk we have to take to get the love that belong to us? How we know who is she or he?

I don understand and I don know anymore. I never take any risk in relationship. Never. Rather be safe than sorry.

Relationship involves time and energy. Why the opposite sex would willing to sacrifice her/his time for us? What is our value even? I feel like do not like to waste the opposite sex time and love. They can find someone better than me. Sacrifice myself is better than sacrifice others.

I know maybe selfish to say this but I do not know how to love ppl in deeper relationship. Ppl in church keeps telling me.. I mix too much with girls. Haha.. what a joke. I could not even get myself to dedicate myself to love one person.

Maybe I hate to loose my freedom and scare to love only 1 person my whole life. How that suppose to feel? I like to have more friends and maybe at night, we might get lonely. So maybe go for beer or get some friends to chat. That would solve the problem.

How can we just dedicate ourself to one person? What are they thinking when get married? My freedom over? OMG, its the end of my single life? What is marriage anw?

I hope to get answers. Haha.. But anyway, I feel like talking to a wall.

God bless.

Praise the God all mighty

Well, why do I use this title? I also wonder.

But after being living alone for one month plus and all, I realized this is my life. The path that I chose. Should not be afraid. Should not complain.

Apart from all the complains that I told alot of myy friends before, I really like my life here. I feel afraid everyday of whether I would do something wrong. But I guess life is this way. The truth is that we all would do mistakes sometimes, but all we have to do is believe in the almighty God. I am now trying hard to have faith in God and just follow HIS way. Not gonna try to take over the wheels if possible.

Doesn't anyone have complains and grumbles? I wonder where they would try to drop that bomb into? I feel that I have no where to drop those bombs. Maybe I did not trust anyone. Or I know no one would want to hear negatives.

So, from today on..I would hide it. Hide it deep inside my heart. Never would take it out. This way, no one gets hurt and no one would feel it. And I would always speak positively from then.

Life is suppose to be fun huh. Life is suppose to be no worries huh. Thats what my mum told me anyway. But I realized we all would have problems. Then what do we do? Change the music in our heart to some horror song? or do we put in some Godly music so that we can face it and make a difference?

Being here for so long. Makes me feels Japan is really a good place to find God and find ourselves. Like I said, I feel belong here. Well, thats me anyway. Hope God would continue bless me with the things that I am doing. God is always there for me. So I believe if you too believe in HIM, you would be bless too.

What happened when you brought emotions into your life?

I never experience life like this before. Ever since I am a child, I like to do things systematically. Do not want any feelings or emotions into my tasks or jobs. Feel like it would mess up everything or actually slow down the progress. And in fact, it does.

Since last year, (2008) I ask God for more love in my life. I ask for emotions. And now, whatever I do, I felt the dissapointment, the excitement, the hatred, the likeness. And everything I do, I have to think about other people, about how they feel.

Maybe is all these emotions, the worst emotions I had is loneliness.

These days, I had so much loneliness, I felt my life is going to stop. Every time feels like giving up to those tasks that I am doing. Hate myself for that. For being so weak. For being grumbling all the time. Eventhough my friends keep telling me to be strong, hold myself up and start walking again.

But how can I with all the burden at my back. Trying to throw away but to tell the truth, no one in my life that I can share my burden with. Coz I never share with people before. Always just show them my strong side, my good side. I imagined no one knows my bad side, my weak side, coz I never tell. But even if they know. Is because they found out themselves.

Like now. I hate my condition now. Imagine me eating just rice and abit of vegetables as dish. No money, not many friends that I could put my trust in, no girlfriend, no house, no proper job, nobody that could encourage me to push me up and go forward.

Well, maybe is me. But in this world, is it that we should ask for help then help could come? Why no one could hear the cry inside my heart? I am tired. Want to stop.

For so long, God wanted to change me. I wanted to change. But I realized, the more I want to change, the more difficulties I realized and have to face. Wanted to go on but too tired. What to do now?

I see some people just go forward without think. It is great this way. But what happened if they stop for rest. Would they end up like what I am doing now? Hate myself for being such a weak person.

Well, all I could say is hope I can get to stand up and walk forward full of confidence again. Once again to be happy, really happy from the heart and walk for God.