My Life starts here.

我做的是对还是错？有谁来告诉我呢？

2009-10-27T02:17:00.000-07:00

我心中的痛苦和无奈，要告诉谁呢？有谁愿意借他的耳朵来听听我诉苦呢？到现在，我不知道来日本是对的选择还是错的。为何我越来越痛苦呢？

感情上的烦恼，生活上的痛苦都放在心里。你知道吗？世上的人，都只愿意听我们的快乐。为了每位人的幸福，我只好把快乐告诉你们。把痛苦放在心里。

但我现在好想哭啊。上帝正在教我感情上的释放。但真的很痛苦啊。难道爱一个人也是这么的痛苦吗？从小就被教说男人要坚强，不能哭. 现在我觉得我好软弱。根本不像个男人。每天那么感情化，那么的无奈。

朋友到底是设么？家人又是设么？为设么我们需要他们呢？我觉得我好没资格去爱人。那么软弱的男人要如何去保护女人呢？

在这世上难道就没有一个人能够教我打开我的心去接受别人的爱吗？我需要朋友，也许要陪伴。但每个人都好忙，那可能会费时间来听我诉苦呢？快要受不了。

我好期望有真正的朋友来听我诉苦。叫我应该如何的去做。

Thank you for your love.

2009-09-15T08:04:00.000-07:00

Who says God not exists? Ever since I am in Japan, I realized I am doing HIS work. and I keep getting HIS blessing.

I understand alot about life. about money saving, about marriage, about alot of things.

I never know I can be saving money. In Japan, the 1 thing that we always lack is money. Everything here is money. Without it u would die. Thats how bad it is. But God showed me that, if I start giving out money, God would bless me. And HE did. its just incredible.

I feel my life is just begun. I have so many more blessings to get. So excited for the next.

Its Time to FIGHT!!!

2009-08-31T19:39:00.001-07:00

No more backing away. No more complaining. No more being scared or worry. No more being weak!!

I had enough of myself being so weak. Always just hide away from problems. I would face myself, face those challenges. No more escaping.

I heard about 1 statement. "Idle hands are Devils' playground" Its very true. Whenever we are idling, doing nothing, Devil could always come and mess with our brain. Telling us things that to hinder us away. Like, "you are always lonely", "you are worthless", etc.

So I guess I had enough. Now would give my attention to God.

1 time, my friend told me my blog is very "godly" based. :P
I felt thats the thing I wan to tell people that read my blog. Is that God is my universe. HE always being so good to me. HE always being my blessing too.

Blessing me with such a great chance to Australia, Japan and travelled to so many countries before. What else can I ask for?

Most of all, I found myself through God. I found my confidence in HIM, which i never really had until I met HIM at the age of 22. Before that, I really felt that life only have 1 me. If I died, no one would notice isn't it. But guess God shows me that I am wrong.

Really like those older generations of christians told me is true. The more you know God, the more you would want to praise HIS name and speak of HIM. Nothing else can give u the satisfaction besides that.

Thank you Jeremy for your message about fighting a war!!! I have to fight this war!! Dont rest. Do not let Devil take his chance.

And pastor Danny Guglemuchi message, let me understand that Keep dreaming a vision that given by God and keep going that way. Don back away. We should always just rely on God and go forward. This way, we would achieve goals of God. Not our own.

I had enough of avoiding and resting. Especially self condemn. I must stand up and win this war!! I had more strength than I thought to win this war.

This is BULLSHIT

2009-07-23T08:06:00.000-07:00

Is this kind of life I signed myself for? A life that keep getting hurt?

I already have no place to cry on. No one to talk to. No one to share my problems. Already so bad inside my heart. Still someone still have to ripped my pride and say I am flirting?

I wonder if asking a girl out just for a chat about serious stuff consider like asking them out? I feel all this is BULLSHIT. I am doing the right thing but being accuse of bad. I feel my pride being taken and being stamped on the floor.

Is this really kind of trials that I am prepared for? I am ready for any trials face to face if I done the wrong thing. I would take the blame if I know its somehow wrong. But not this. Not these BULLSHIT stuff. What have I done to deserve this punishment?? Maybe for some people, this is nothing. Being accused and being ripped apart of your pride. But my pride is my everything. I hate people accuse me if I am doing the right thing. Why the hell?

Church is suppose to be a place of love. A place to teach love. I consider myself a very patient person. Do not get angry and just keep quiet to handle problems. This is too much even for me. I have my limit too.

Anyway, I have enough. I wonder if I am suitable to lead in such a church. I feel so incompetent.
This is sick. This is just wrong for me. Anyway. enough of my crap.

What is this relationship??

2009-07-21T04:18:00.000-07:00

It has being 3 months since I touch this blog. I wonder what I am doing? Complain to this wall. Sometimes I felt no one understand what my mind is like. So just talking to this wall guess it helps kinda let out my problems.

God had put this relationship mentality in my mind. But I really keep thinking until now. Never stop wondering.

Why everyone so craving for a life partner? Why everyone craving for love of the opposite sex?

These days I saw more and more married couples. It makes me think. What is the requirements for great relationship and being blessed by God?

What kind of risk we have to take to get the love that belong to us? How we know who is she or he?

I don understand and I don know anymore. I never take any risk in relationship. Never. Rather be safe than sorry.

Relationship involves time and energy. Why the opposite sex would willing to sacrifice her/his time for us? What is our value even? I feel like do not like to waste the opposite sex time and love. They can find someone better than me. Sacrifice myself is better than sacrifice others.

I know maybe selfish to say this but I do not know how to love ppl in deeper relationship. Ppl in church keeps telling me.. I mix too much with girls. Haha.. what a joke. I could not even get myself to dedicate myself to love one person.

Maybe I hate to loose my freedom and scare to love only 1 person my whole life. How that suppose to feel? I like to have more friends and maybe at night, we might get lonely. So maybe go for beer or get some friends to chat. That would solve the problem.

How can we just dedicate ourself to one person? What are they thinking when get married? My freedom over? OMG, its the end of my single life? What is marriage anw?

I hope to get answers. Haha.. But anyway, I feel like talking to a wall.

God bless.

Praise the God all mighty

2009-04-08T19:54:00.000-07:00

Well, why do I use this title? I also wonder.

But after being living alone for one month plus and all, I realized this is my life. The path that I chose. Should not be afraid. Should not complain.

Apart from all the complains that I told alot of myy friends before, I really like my life here. I feel afraid everyday of whether I would do something wrong. But I guess life is this way. The truth is that we all would do mistakes sometimes, but all we have to do is believe in the almighty God. I am now trying hard to have faith in God and just follow HIS way. Not gonna try to take over the wheels if possible.

Doesn't anyone have complains and grumbles? I wonder where they would try to drop that bomb into? I feel that I have no where to drop those bombs. Maybe I did not trust anyone. Or I know no one would want to hear negatives.

So, from today on..I would hide it. Hide it deep inside my heart. Never would take it out. This way, no one gets hurt and no one would feel it. And I would always speak positively from then.

Life is suppose to be fun huh. Life is suppose to be no worries huh. Thats what my mum told me anyway. But I realized we all would have problems. Then what do we do? Change the music in our heart to some horror song? or do we put in some Godly music so that we can face it and make a difference?

Being here for so long. Makes me feels Japan is really a good place to find God and find ourselves. Like I said, I feel belong here. Well, thats me anyway. Hope God would continue bless me with the things that I am doing. God is always there for me. So I believe if you too believe in HIM, you would be bless too.

What happened when you brought emotions into your life?

2009-02-18T05:53:00.000-08:00

I never experience life like this before. Ever since I am a child, I like to do things systematically. Do not want any feelings or emotions into my tasks or jobs. Feel like it would mess up everything or actually slow down the progress. And in fact, it does.

Since last year, (2008) I ask God for more love in my life. I ask for emotions. And now, whatever I do, I felt the dissapointment, the excitement, the hatred, the likeness. And everything I do, I have to think about other people, about how they feel.

Maybe is all these emotions, the worst emotions I had is loneliness.

These days, I had so much loneliness, I felt my life is going to stop. Every time feels like giving up to those tasks that I am doing. Hate myself for that. For being so weak. For being grumbling all the time. Eventhough my friends keep telling me to be strong, hold myself up and start walking again.

But how can I with all the burden at my back. Trying to throw away but to tell the truth, no one in my life that I can share my burden with. Coz I never share with people before. Always just show them my strong side, my good side. I imagined no one knows my bad side, my weak side, coz I never tell. But even if they know. Is because they found out themselves.

Like now. I hate my condition now. Imagine me eating just rice and abit of vegetables as dish. No money, not many friends that I could put my trust in, no girlfriend, no house, no proper job, nobody that could encourage me to push me up and go forward.

Well, maybe is me. But in this world, is it that we should ask for help then help could come? Why no one could hear the cry inside my heart? I am tired. Want to stop.

For so long, God wanted to change me. I wanted to change. But I realized, the more I want to change, the more difficulties I realized and have to face. Wanted to go on but too tired. What to do now?

I see some people just go forward without think. It is great this way. But what happened if they stop for rest. Would they end up like what I am doing now? Hate myself for being such a weak person.

Well, all I could say is hope I can get to stand up and walk forward full of confidence again. Once again to be happy, really happy from the heart and walk for God.

Guess we can't push our way thru fate.

2009-02-08T22:42:00.000-08:00

I guess this is what it feels like dissapointment. Try so hard to change the fate that had given to you.

I always wonder whether we could defy something that God created.. Not that I am bad but just hope that sometimes we can have our own way. But in the end, I knew the result is no.

Starting from this year, I realized I have so much to do here. No matter what dissapointment I am facing, but I still realized life have to go on. The tasks that God given to me have to go on. I cannot stop. So I would stop giving myself excuse and stay there. I want to live more outward for God and for my own sake.

Yesterday, I had an interesting conversation with one of my friend. Is about me growing up. To tell the truth, haven't I? Maybe some people see me as naive. But I guess depends on how people look at me. For myself, it is a way to prevent the world reality to hit me at my heart and prevents me from walking forward.

People have to find their way to walk forward, and unfortunately, most people tend to keep secrets in their heart and try to walk forward. But the truth maybe is they are neither going forward nor backward. Just standing there and try to figure out how to change the current situation.

Maybe thats why people cannot accept christ. Because they do not want to be expose. They do not want to be identify as a failure and being not able to do something, especially man. Well, for myself. I am trying to live forward. Realizing my own mistakes and try to change as much as I can. I hate people tell out my mistakes, but I hate even more if I have more self pity on myself and stuck on the past.

Wonder how does you guys feel about your life and do you know whether you are living forward or backward or stagnant? If anyone have any problems, can always share with me. I am always there to listen and pray for you.

God bless everyone. (^_^)

New year new resolution

2009-01-29T20:46:00.000-08:00

Happy Chinese New Year people.

God is amazing in my life. Never thought I would have such a great day and great resolution.

Everytime I thought God could just bring me to any place. I do not need to plan and just follow. Guess I was half right only. I have the choice to determine what I need to do and how to do it. God is always there to protect and guide me if anything went wrong.

So, start from today I would start to plan my life and give it to God for blessing.
Everything has to be done by ourselves.. Then only God's blessing is so effective.

It is the same for my church activities. I know it would be the same for my relationship. God would bless me in this. I knew HE would. HE is my man~~

Take care people. Have a great new year. Spend it with family, with friends and with your loved ones. JUST don't spend it alone.

God bless.

Happy New Year to myself

2009-01-04T05:17:00.000-08:00

This year, God has being a great blessing to me. By bringing me to Japan already a great blessing.

Let me tell you guys one thing. Everyday I woke up in my bed, thinking that I am in Japan, already makes me very happy. Eventhough with all the hard work, injuries that I suffered, loneliness that I have to go thru, BUT I am just glad I could be here.

One reason is that I could enjoy living in the most livable and enjoyable city in the world. Secondly, I could be here spreading gospel and do God's work. God really is amazing. HE always put us at places where we are the weakest and would guide us through it so that we can grow.

This year, God had teached me alot about relying on HIM. Not an easy task, but i manage to do it. This year, I have one resolution to follow closely to God. Let God guide me to find more happiness through HIM.

This year, I also understand what is friendship. Why in the world people needs friends. I now understand that we all would be helpless sometimes, relying on ourselves would not make our life better. That's what friends is for. Is for encourage us, to give us strength to go on, to bring us up when we are down.

You know, God also teaching me one thing this year. Is about loving people. I hate talking to people. Make people feel good eventhough just a small success. I do not like to encourage that way because always feel so fake. But a few weeks ago, one of my church friend told me.

I could do better. I could encourage people and make people happy. I could change and can have many more friends.

I keep wondering whether I could. I know that until now, my words had hurt alot of people. And I feel if they do not like me, can no need to have such friends. BUT suddenly I felt that I should encourage people more, talk to people more, be more friendly. It is to make more friends and could show more love to people.

Ever since I am young, as I had told before, I want to show love to people. But never get the right way. And I guess my way is wrong. Now I want to change. I want to love, and be love back. Just hope I am not too late.

Guess love is a risk. In our life, we all are taking risks. Doing business is a risk, love a person is a risk. So why not try to do it more boldly. Don't scare to be hurt. Don't scare to fall down. Just do, Don't Think.

I always believe, if we have GOD in our heart and in our life, we could lead a life that could be a blessing not only to other people, but also help ourselves to be a great person and the most importantly, we could fulfill our heart's most inner desire. I felt that living in this world, without knowing what is our heart's most inner desire and fulfill that, living is like no meaning.

Anyway, that's just me. Take care people. I pray that everyone is having a great year as I do as well. God bless.

やっと新年明けました。

2009-01-04T04:55:00.000-08:00

久しぶりですね、ブロックを書くということ。

今年は私にとって、面白いの年だ。　どこでも、いつでも、神様が私の共にいるから。実は、私は幸せの人だ。毎日日本に居る限り、幸せということだ。

私達はいつか死ぬか分からないけど、生きている時がやりたいことを一生懸命にやるということは幸せだ。私はそう思うけど。皆はどう思う？

じつは、今私このブロックを書くの時、感謝の気持ちを持っている。今まで、私は日本に来るのは考えもない。だけど、神様は私にいっぱいの祝福があげてくれるから、私は今ここにブロックを書ける。

今年はたくさん学んでいるだ。人生のこと、人間関係のこと、考え方は全部神様が変わった。今年、私の念願は神様と共にもっと近くに歩いてほしいということ。

最後私は知りたいことがあるだけど、もし、皆できるかぎり、答えてください。
私達は人生の中に一番ほしいのものは何ですか？　どうして今までそういうがんばりますか？

私は多分皆に証拠をあげてほしい。神様が私の人生に居るから。幸せができる、未来がある　と希望もある。　（＾_＾）

皆元気に生きているね。頑張ってください。人生はいろいろなことを私達が学べるから。

God's Perfect Plan

2008-09-21T23:29:00.001-07:00

Finally, I am ready to write another blog.

It has being awhile since I touched this blog. Before I start, just want to announce that I have being agreed to study master degree in one of the university in Japan, Aoyama University.

Thank the Lord for answering my prayer. With my own effort, I could never achieve anything. That's why I always keep praying for everything in my life. Starting from now, I would stop doubting God and would keep having faith to do something big in my life.

Ever since I come to Japan, my life have not being dull. It keeps getting more and more exciting. I felt t that

Dating Delilah

2008-08-25T09:29:00.000-07:00

The longer I stay in Japan, the more I could understand more about life, about myself and about relationships.

God is a GREAT. HE put me here for reasons. Eventhough I do not know what, but I started to realized who I really are, and what I am being called to Japan for.

These days, I realized the importance of being patience. Being patience to wait upon God's gift for me. God had put something that being keep stirring up in my heart since I came here last October. HE put marriage in my mind. To tell the truth, that is the last thing I would want to do in my life, BUT HE put marriage in my heart and give me the urge to search for my soul mate, which HE already decided for me.

So, what I should do? Pray to God? You bet, but that doesn't stop there. I have done my own searching and have my own preference of girls, and thought God could bless those relationship. But in the end, all end up in dissapointment. Not even one could fit the image of what God is going to give to me.

Just a coincidence ( Maybe ), my church friend gave me a book called Dating Delilah. It is a very powerful book by Pastor Judah Smith. It gives me all I should know about purity and about how to find the girl that God arrange for you.

One part I am very fascinated about is the eight boundaries that we should follow in order to find the right girl to walk with us in our journey for God.

First is No sex before marriage. As it is written, we should not have sex with anyone before marriage, means before we find the right one. The reason is that sex is about both person would have spiritual connection when having sex. If it is not the right person, wouldn't that be a waste? We should give our whole to the one and only person who are destined for our life.

Second is No dating unbelievers. This may sound very cruel. All it is saying is that we as christian that following God, should find another person who could walk the same path to focus on God rather than someone who is not compatible and only focus on worldly things.

Third is Homesexual is a sin. This is funny. But it is true. We should not compromise with the fact that homosexual IS a sin. How can man love a man and vice versa. God created us male and female, so that we could enjoy each other's company.

Fourth is No sexual touching. This is an interesting fact. Before marriage, we shouldn't have touching of anywhere near body parts that could arouse sexual feeling or so. It is just the same as we commit adultery because we are thinking of it as well.

Fifth is Treat one another as Brother and Sister. I love this boundary. It started to gets me back in track in my life to search for my soul mate. Incredible isn't it. When we start to look for soul mate, we would start to look around to find the right person in our life. And every girl become our target, and then we begin to eliminate each one of them as time goes. Well, this is not the way. God tells us that we should treat one another as brother and sister in christ. Because marriage starts with friendships and communication. So start being friends with people. Start talking to people. STOP treating everyone as potential soul mate and try to chase to see whether could success or not.

Six is interesting. It wrote as wear appropriate clothes. Hmm, it is an interesting fact that these days fashion is important in our life. But what this boundary meant is that, where do you want people to look at you when they first see you. For guys maybe not that important but it is important for girls to becareful of their clothing and their intention of their clothing.

Seven is No lustful looks. Our eyes are full of light and pure. So why use it to watch pornography or see pornography magazines? Another thing is that we should not look at girls with lustful eyes. It is also one way to commit adultery. So becareful what you do with the eyes. Thinking lust also a way to sin.

Last but not least Avoid immoral friends. At first, I thought this is abit radical. But as I read it, I realized the meaning of this boundary. As christian, it is all right for us to be friends with non-christian because they do not know what is right or wrong. We could help them and teach them. But immoral friends are refer to those christians, that still compromise with sexual things and those sin issues.

Therefore, as long as we live according to these 8 boundaries, we could find the right person that belong to us. God always create a pair when HE created us. See the birds in the skies. God always give them a pair so why couldn't HE provide us with soul mate if we are MORE PRECIOUS than those animals.

So, Do it the right way and we would find the person that truly belong to us.

God bless everyone. Have a great week ahead.

God Loves YOU

2008-08-17T05:29:00.000-07:00

How many of you knows that Jesus loves you? That God loves you for who you are? No matter what you done? Just as long as you open up your heart to believe in this God. You could have great future, great life and of course gained eternal life.

Has anyone being wondering why love is so important? Why people so need love? Has anyone felt so deep in their heart that they long for something which money can't buy? Something to fill the emptiness in their heart? Well, that emptiness feel is which God created in our heart and could only fill by our Lord Jesus Christ.

All of us needs love no matter you agree with me or not. In our everyday life, we need love to continue our long and hard journey, we need love to care for other people and receive the same treatment that we want people to treat us.

Just two days ago, one of my friend talked to me about his life in Japan. About how hard it is to live in Japan without money. Abou how hard it is to survive to in Japan with working so much until you do not know whether "We live to work?" or "We work to live?"

Well, someone might ask, what is the difference between two? I can say there is a HUGE difference between both. "We live to work." means that work is everything. Everyday we have to work to earn money and money would never be enough for these grouusp of people. These group of people would never be happy in their life because all their life is to chase after money. They are being controlled by money.

While, "We work to live." is just mean that we just need to earn money to survive in this world. Which means we are not control by money. These group of people could be satisfied with whenever they earned and would be happy in their life.

Well, which group are you? Most people would not admit that they are the first group. Because it is true that we live in a world where money is important. But should we choose to be control by money or we should be living in content?

Just on last week our church anniversary, I heard about God is a relationship God. HE wants to have relationship with us and it is up to us whether to accept or not.

Everytime I see my non-christian friends, I always have the urge to help them. To help them out of their suffering and to live a better life. Well, not that after becoming christian, we would have comfortable life and money would fall down from the sky. But it is just means that if these people would become christian, they would have LORD JESUS CHRIST walk with them. This would assist them in seeing a brighter future, and having not to rely on themselves in their life. Like us christian, I felt that we have Jesus in our life and that makes us more bold to believe that Lord Jesus can help us change our life and could lead us to a brighter and better future.

To tell the truth, now I could only understand that the only way to save my friends is to show God through me and also to tell them about christ as much as I can. All I could do now to help them is to pray for these people and hope God can change their life.

You know? Maybe you are one of the person that I am praying for now, who knows right? All it takes for you to have a brighter and better future is to have faith in this God of ours, that mean the God of you and me. I really have the confidence to say that as long as you believe that Jesus can help you in accomplish your dream, and you open up your heart to let God into your life, you would definetly see difference in your life and would have a great future ahead.

These days, I am so glad to be in Japan. Eventhough I am going through hard times, but when I see my friends around me, I felt I am so blessed by God. For no need to work so hard and still could survive here. For being able to eat well and go to church every Sunday. Simply, for being able to breath and speak to my friends. It is all I need now. There is nothing much more important to me than to be alive and well.

All right, it is time for sleeping. Take care friends. God bless. Have a great week ahead. (^_^)

Birthday

2008-08-01T06:19:00.000-07:00

If you ask me, what is my birthday wish? Last year, I would tell you that to travel to Europe and have the best trip is my best wish. Now, I would tell you that my life is to live for God, so I wish for my friends to be save.

This year's birthday, makes me realized alot about my own weaknesses. Especially in terms of my relationship with people. Actually, I never felt so helpless before. To tell the truth, these days I only realized that God could only use those who are helpless to the things in this world. The more we felt confident that we can live this life ourselves, the less we can depend on God and ask HIM to help us grow.

Today is my birthday. What a great day. I felt so excited because it is the day that I was born and put on this EARTH for a reason. Since yesterday night, I felt the warmth of my friends, who sends me wishes and wish me happy birthday. Finally I could see and sense the importance of friends in my life. But I wonder if it is too late. At all these times, I neglected my friends and only care for myself.

In this birthday, I have a two wishes that I prayed to God. One is to help me to bring more unsaved friends into knowing God. I would not want my friends to miss this awesome opportunity to find eternal life. Second is to help me to improve my communication skill and help me to know more people. Now, I wanted friends, and more importantly, wanted someone special that God appointed to me to help me accomplish tasks that given by God.

Let me tell you all something. Yesterday night, is my first time to feel birthday being brought to me. 5 of my friends, bought some cakes and brought to my room at 12.15am and sing HAPPY BIRTHDAY song to me. I suddenly felt so happy, because first time celebrate at exactly August 1st. This would be a very memorable day for me.

Thank you those people for brightens up my days. And I wanted to thank you my mother, Janice, and friends that send me birthday wishes. Really appreciate it.

But to tell the truth, it is also my first time to felt loneliness during my birthday. It felt so empty when no one is giving me wishes during my birthday period and felt so weird. But at the end, I felt worth it. Because, at the end I finally know that no one deserts me, I still have friends around me.

In addition for my first celebration on August 1st, I also had another celebration on August 2nd, it is better than the first celebration I think. Because this time I celebrate with my brother and sister in Christ. It felt better, and more happy. Wait till I have the time to load the pics, I received a gift that is a shape of FISH. And also got SUNFLOWER as my birthday gift. Weird isn't it. Get sunflower for birthday but it was great. Until the dinner time..

This is the story.

Me and my friend (Ms Sarah) decided to have meal at Shinjuku. Where there would be alot of people waiting. And I stand at a place holding my withering flower and had to wait for TWO AND HALF HOURS before I can get my meal. It was the longest meal I ever had. Being waited for so long and nearly fainted. Not to mentioned my WITHERING FLOWER. And can you guys ever imagined people besides you are leaving and only left you there? I had that feeling that day. Everyone met their friends and left. Only me standing there and wait and wait. And finally, see her and got my meal. And also I managed to survive and reach home safely.. :P

Great dinner anyway. Love the food at the restaurant. Not because I am hungry but it is really delicious food. And also not paid by myself. So everythings GOOD.. haha.. Ya, did I mentioned that we came back home in a CONGESTED TRAIN as well? It is so crowded that I had to hold my WITHERING FLOWER up on high to prevent being squashed.

Haha. But Great experience. Never forget my second time of birthday celebration. First one is normal and good. But second one is unforgettable. I am amazed by how much patience I have as well.. haha..

Anyway, thats it from me. This is my birthday report and hope everything fine with everyone that reading this blog. God bless. (^_^)

Praise the Lord & Be Strong and Courageous

2008-06-26T08:33:00.000-07:00

Guess it is time for me to start go back to blogging. These days, I have being so lazy. Ever since God gave me a job, I have being not reading HIS words and just do my job and studies. Feel so bad.

Anyway, wanted to say that God is a great God. HE never forsakes me. Eventhough I know HE never forsakes me but then sometimes we as human would complains. Not because not believe but the road ahead is very tough for us to walk through.

Since two weeks ago, I had walked out of my valley of darkness. I have seen the light and the road seems so fun these days. But I always keep in my mind that God is always my saviour. Without HIM, there would not be the present me.

Ever since I walked out of the valley of darkness, I found out God keep telling me about Joseph and David. I have to learn how to "Be strong and Courageous" like Joseph and "Always sing to the lord in whenever condition" like David.

I am trying my best these days. No longer I would want to stay behind and follow peoples' footstep or being order around. I want to be back the old me. The young, energetic, helpful, confident me. These is my real character. I feel that it is time to show to the people around me of who I really am. Shouldn't try to be an adult if I am not inside. But of course would try to be a responsible person and hope I can improve myself and show to other people my real talent.

Really feel appreciate for all my mum did. Sending me here and help me with my financial level. To tell the truth, talk about financial level, I feel like I am really a very lucky person. Ever since young, I never really understand what is called suffering or pain. All I know is being protected and be spoiled. (^_^)

But then when these days, I really saw people that have no money and wanted to survive on their own, like people in India or Africa, I feel I am too well fed by my parents and very blessed by God.

I forgotten whether I told anyone before. But since I came to Japan, I have a strong feeling to help the people here. These days I decided if I ever earn money here, not only I would save for my future, but also to help the homeless and runaways in Japan. These teenagers, or young people are the future of Japan, but the parents are so selfish that they would rather use the money on themselves and throw their child away. So I decided to use my money to help these people if I am able.

Anyway, just wanted to say thank you to God and also my parents for helping me to survive here. I am also guessing that since I came here, my father's opinion towards me also being changed. I am just guessing but hope I am right because I myself wanted to show different image to other people as well.

Take good care, you guys. God bless. Always remember that God would never forsake us. Only we forsake God. So must always pray to God, hold on to HIS words and praise HIM always.

All my complaints and all my worries From the depth of my HEART.

2008-05-14T05:54:00.000-07:00

命は何ですか? 私達は何の為に生まれたんですか? これは、今は私の質問です。どうして、私は日本に呼び掛けられるかいつも考えているんの困る問題です。私の生活にとって、いつでも楽しみに生かしています。今まで、困るの問題は考えていない、神様に任せる、一方で、楽し事が覚えるだけ、そういう生活です。

こんな生活は今までです。これから、神様は私に段々難しの経験をあげます。困ったなあ、お金の問題があるし、大学入るの問題もあるし、どうすればいいんですか。もし、全部の問題は解からなれば、寝られないという問題があるし、生活に楽しくなくて生きるし、生活は全然喜悦じゃない。
_________________________________________________
Through this way, I wonder if I can express my feelings completely?

I wonder if every human is as weak as me. I feel as if in this life, there is nothing we can do. Nothing. For me, everything just depend on God makes me feel so weak, but like japanese words said, "仕方がない" means there is no other way.

Maybe I have beng trying to solve problems my way for too long. God trying to change that to HIS way. And it works. But now besides depend on HIM, there is nothing I can do.

Japan for me is a very new country. All problems that I have, would not want my parents to worry. So what should I do? Tell to my friends? Haha, no one would listen to me. Funny sometimes, I am able to help people with their problems by listening, and it makes me feel good as well. But when I have problems, there would not one people in this world can help me solve it. I feel not even one person would even lend me their time to listen.

Life in Japan is new for me. I am now learning to grow up, not depend on my parents and try to earn my own living. Try to prove to people that I can live on myself and earn my own life. Not being a spoiled kid. Everytime I hear people said I am a rich kid, that doesn't need to work, somewhere deep in my heart have a will to prove to these people that I am not. Most of the time, I try to find some jobs that can earn me a stable living. I hate changing jobs and I cannot do much heavy jobs. I wonder if that's wrong mentality.

Life for me now is just a start. It is a starting point for me. For me to change and being a changed person. I know my life would be here. I want to stay here. I will find my way to survive here.

Besides finding a part time job is hard, enter to an university is like HARDER. Everyone keep telling me to grow up. Most of the time, I felt that if we keep things easy, we are able to solve it better. But sometimes we have to think deeper to find a way out.

Not only jobs and university giving me headaches. But Japanese language. When can I master it? When can I listen properly? When can I give myself some secure answer that I would pass it and when can I be sure that I can enter to the right university?

Living here makes me feel unsecure for the first time in my life. Everything is so blur. Not even one problem can we see the future or hope. Everything have to depend on prayer and God's help.

What should we do to breakthrough then? When can we do the right decision then? Where is the right way out then? It is really scary to keep all the problems in our heart without expressing it. It is hard enough to put a smile on our face in front of everyone. I wonder when can be the best time for me to take down my mask. Everytime seeing people around me, would not try to worry them or scare them with my weaknesses. Rather I suffer myself rather than everyone around me suffer with me. This is me from my childhood to now. Everyone deserves to be happy. No one deserves to see sadness. So we should solve our own problems no matter what.

Well, for me, maybe If I found my soul mate, then and only then, I would put my mask down and only show my sadness to her. Haha. If not, I cannot be a complete human, only I love people but never received love. Maybe that's why I never know how to be love and never have relationship.

Anyway, feels so tired. Not from sleeping too much but from all these frustration. Feels like letting all go for awhile and do something fun for awhile. But when think that I have to go alone. Not gonna do anything. Wasting money as well.

No matter what, would try to push myself up again. Just wonder when I can be all right again. Hope it is soon because exams is near and entrance to university needs to be solve. Argh.. where is my listener when I need them.

God has plan for me and It would do me good, not harm. I should endure it and through it. But need energy and encouragement. Haha, if only I can have my own friends that I could trust and rely on.

What a funny thing to ask. v(*_*)v

Stand Firm on My Ground

2008-04-30T01:22:00.001-07:00

It has being quite awhile since I come back on writing this blog. Not that I am busy, but just feel that there's no point writing. I think..

These days, the weather are getting hotter. So hot, that I think is unbearable. Even here, the summer really would not make me sweat. Makes me feel that winter could be better than summer.

Anyway, I always heard this phrase. "Summer is the season for romantic relationship." Haha.. Don't ask me where I heard this, coz I never remember.

Until now, I always feel God always have HIS way of pushing us towards the way HE wanted. I don't know how HE did it but it always turns out all the outcome is not what I imagined. But since God is in control, I have nothing to worry. Just gonna do my best to work everything out. I know God would provide me with all the things that I need.

Like my HUGE title said, My Life Starts Here. It IS a TURNING POINT for me. Coming to Japan is unexpected for me. Being able to survive here is also unexpected for me as well. God definitely have HIS plan for me. Because everything seems to going towards the right way.

These few months, I think God trying to settle me down. Well, for starters, I always have a feeling that within 3 years, I would be married and going on with my life non-single. Argh.. so sad, I have to put my Europe trip aside and focus on God's work. Well, I guess it is time anyway. Working for God full time. Guess playing too long kinda makes us all tired as well, emotionally and physically. AND time is not on our side. Coz we all grow older day by day.

For these few months, I have keep asking God. Where is my life partner then? If needed to settle down, I would want someone to accompany me. Would not like to live my life alone. And yeah, who would want that?

Well, from this day on. Would rush forward. Not looking back into my past and feel sad. It is time to move forward and see what God have in store for me.

To tell the truth, till now and in my future. I always hold on to one words. Never change no matter what. That is LOVE. I always have the heart to love people, love myself and love everything around me. Eventhough I might look cold and not open up to people, but I am trying my best to love people around me, who needed love from people.

Talk about love. Start from yesterday, I am having a 40 days fasting. This is to prove to God that I am serious about wanting my friend gotten safe. I wanted God to present miracle to my friend so that she can realize God is the only true God who can save her soul and her life. Well, 40 days fasting dinner is so hard. But to prove my sincerity to God. It is something I have to do. Just hope the results works.

That's it from me today. Everyone have a great day ahead. God bless.

P.S. It is really a hot day. Feel like getting some ice-cream. But on dieting and fasting. So sad. And study so hard. Pray for me ok? 皆さん、頑張れ。皆の生活は絶対に楽しみになります。

q(^_^)p

Breakthrough in my Life

2008-04-11T19:18:00.000-07:00

To tell the truth, I never know God can be this persuasive. Haha.. I felt like now I have being put into a hot pan and ask me to be still.. to wait for my turn to move. Regardless it is about work or about my life.

HE is teaching me patience. In my room, HE teach me how to be patient with my room mate. In outside, HE teach me to be patient to wait for a job. A job that is suitable for me.

Funny isn't it? How our life turns out. These days slowly, I am letting go of my own plan and stick to God's plan.

I always feel it is a waste to let go of my own plan to go Europe and have a travel before I reach 30. But God always have HIS plan to mess up ours. Well, just go with the flow I guess.

Now I don't care anymore. Just stay here and focus on what I should be doing for God. Not for myself. Maybe that would produce more fruits for me. And also help me to settle down as well. Struggle in my life maybe would help me grow.

These days, it is only about me and God. About building my relationship with God. About me building relationship with people and also have a great life ahead with my trust on GOD.

Anyway, my life still good. Just going through some changes. Good changes that would bring me to a better place. I always believe God has a plan for me. All I need to do is trust in GOD and go for it. Maybe one day I would realized the dreams that God always put in my heart.

Take care people. May God bless you all too.

P.S. Always praying for my friends in Malaysia, Australia and Japan. Of course, Indonesia friends as well.. ;)

Living in this crazy world.

2008-04-07T01:02:00.000-07:00

These two days, I have being doing some journaling about my spiritual life. Throughout my journaling, I always have the idea that God had given me victory. All I have to do is believe and wait still for the promise to come to me.

These days, I have being waiting for a job. I have being waiting for my turn to earn my own money. Well, to tell the truth, I am trying to teach. But since no students, I am kinda free.

Life here without money is suffering. Haha.. Sadly to say, now I suddenly realized when we need money to survive.. God is very important all of the sudden because in this life, we need HIM to survive in this crazy world.

Guess everyone have their world to live right? I need to find my own already. I have being wondering around for too long.

Living here suddenly opens up my mind about the reality of life. Makes me a better person, ( Hopefully ). And also let me understand about ways to survive in this world.

Boredness and Wasting Money

2008-04-02T22:39:00.000-07:00

Wonder why I put boredness and wasting money as title today?

I wanted to talk about my life here. Well, this is kinda the ups and downs of my life. To tell the truth, working here is all about self improvement. In order to stay in this country, I think everyone would go through boredness in their experience.

Somehow, I know God put me here for a good reason. Everyone that I heard, is not good to stay in Japan. Haha.. I also have no idea why I would be staying here. But since I have the passion for the people here, and God wanted me to stay here. Guess I have no looking back.

Almost everyday, I look back at my life. How far had I walked in my life. What had I done. And to tell the truth, nothing. All I see is that I just walking down a path which is so lonely and fill with so much uncertainty.

And these days, as time flows by, it gives me a even clear idea about life. It is so short that we could spend our entire life without doing anything useful. So Why are we born in this earth? What is our purpose?

Don't get me wrong. As for me, seriously, I know my purpose. I know that I have to spread gospel here and tell Japanese people about God. HE had brought me so far. And in this life, without HIM, I would never be surviving until now.

In my life, I feel I wasted alot of my mother's money as well. Well, not because I don't understand saving money is important, but it is hard for me to understand the value of money. But to tell the truth, ever since I prayed to God to help me save money and see the value of money. I started to understand all the $$ and the numbers. Haha..

But there is still a long way to go. In Japan, we should save money wisely. Not everything can be save and not everything can be buy. That's where my logic comes in.

All my close friends still keep telling me that I am a very sensible person. Very logical person. I really feel that this is my strength and also my weakness. Being sensible and logical person maybe can earn one's trust. But it also causes me to lost my emotions.

Everyday, I felt like a robot living in a world full of traps. And this robot, not only can avoid problems and issues, it can help people to live their life. This is somehow I felt of myself. But after awhile, I started to think about my life. What had I done to myself? Why couldn't I like someone? Why could't I dare myself to chase after the emotions that I long for?

Well, that's all my feeling.

In real life, I am still like to help people. Maybe it is somehow my calling. To sacrifice myself for the sake of others. Ever since young, I always have the feeling that I should LOVE others like I love myself. Therefore, I never gave up on this concept and live forward with this mindset.

This is what being keeping me alive and keeping me living in my own dreams. Recently, suddenly I woke up from this dream and realized maybe what I did is for nothing.

But I trust in God. I trust in HIS calling for me. If not I would be surviving for so long. I know that being a human means we would have doubts and have sadness.

I believe that in time to come, I would fulfill my purpose for God and live my life to the fullness. For now, all we need is patience and endurance. Endure all the hardship until I can reach my goal. Till now, God had never let me down. No matter how hard my problems are, it would never compare to the pain that Jesus died for me at the cross. It is the worst punishment beyond everyone could imagine. Therefore, I would never give up and live forward. I always see a silver lining in my life. Hopefully can reach there soon.

Anyway, God bless everyone.

Relationship

2008-03-24T07:35:00.000-07:00

What do you know about human relationship? Nothing, that's what I know. Everything is so vague and so not-constant. Everything can be change just like that in one split seconds.

I always feel that in our life, friendship and relationship is like a bus trip. There would be people coming on and off this bus. We can say a thousand words about love and about trust. We can say that we would be forever. But in the end, we would break up, or we would have so much disagreement between each other. At last, this cause our relationship to be broken forever just because of one simple mistakes. So easy. But why do everyone still going back for more? Why do people still yearn so much about love?

Well, it must always be that their heart is empty. All of us have an emptiness in our heart. What do we use to fill it up? Like I said before. Japanese people really yearn for love. They yearn for something which money cannot buy. Affection and love from other people.

One friend of mine have being keep reminding me, that I should stop neglecting my own emotions and start facing my emotion. Why am I avoiding? What am I doing? To tell the truth, I myself do not understand.

If I wanted to settle down, What type of gals that I like? Who would be suitable for me? Should I observe more before tell a gal? How long is the friendship period?
Everytime need to crack my head about relationship, i rather stand back and watch it go away. Eventhough it is the hardest thing to do. But I feel I shouldn't say something that would probably hurt myself and hurt the other person.

I am worried that I might give out too much. This would probably choke the other person. I scare I might give too much and become an annoyance, etc.

Sad isn't it? To find out all the doubt in my heart. I sometimes hate myself for thinking so much. For having so much thoughts. To be thoughtful to other people except myself. I also hate myself for being so femine and feel so weak.

At the surface, I tried my best to be a Leo, which is strong and very fierce, and very dependant person. But inside of my heart, I am a very soft, weak and emotional person. Maybe other person never knows. I always cried. But it is all inside my heart. I cried so much. My heart is somehow being "soaked" by my tears. Well, this type of a person which gals would think not reliable isn't it? Haha.. funny isn't it? How can a guy be like this?

After seeing all types of relationship between two person, I started to realize that I could not live my life based on humans' love. I need to find something more solid to based my life upon. Therefore, I found God's love.

Until now, I never regret giving my life unto God. HE always provide me with all the strength I need to walk forward. Now that God's love is with me. To tell the truth, I very rare wanted to depend on people's love. Eventhough, sometimes it is true. We get lonely and need someone to talk to. I am glad that we have friends.

Come to think of it. Eversince young, I never really have much heart-to-heart friends. Until now, maybe I have 3 or 4. And sadly to say, mostly are girls. Why do I have so many girls friends? I myself also need explanation.

Alot of times, my girls friends keep telling me. "You are very suitable to be friends. You are my very good friends." Do you know how many times I wanted to tell them that, I am fed up to have so many good friends. I wanted someone to tell me that I can be more than friends.

This is what I get for being so reasonable all the time. Being so cool all the time. Somehow I DID regret to being cool and reasonable all the time. Giving peoples' advice, guide them to grow in a proper way, a happy way. But I have to sacrifice my own life to make them happy.

Is that a good thing? Or is that a bad thing? I myself also don't know. But at least I can live a happy life without disturbing the peacefulness of other people. No matter how much I like another person, just treat it as nothing. Maybe it would go away. Right?

Anyway, good nite people. Have a great day ahead. God bless.

P.S. Today is sakura start blossoming period. I can felt the scent of sakura flowers blossoming. It makes me so excited and happy.

Love (愛)

2008-03-23T05:53:00.000-07:00

"Other country are lack of food, and physical resources. But Japan is a country, which is lack of love."

I love this phrase given by Jesus Life House's pastor today. That's right. Ever since I step into Japan. I can hear peoples' cry for love here. They are crying out for attention and peoples' care for them.

Here in Japan, it is a very advanced country. Everyone is living comfortably for their lives. When every physical need is being covered, people would yearn for something higher, LOVE. Strange isn't it. Those poor country people, would love each other and would appreciate with what they have. Yet, on the other hand, those rich country people, like Japan, they yearn for something which could never be able to be bought by money, which is love.

Everyday in Japan, I felt so burdened. Especially when I walk down on the street, seeing people talking to each other, all I felt is emptiness in their conversation and emptiness in their heart and faces. I wanted so much to tell them about God. Tell them about how great to believe in the one and only God.

I realized that Easter day, today not only about Jesus died for us and rose again. I felt that Easter day is also another event, which is important for us to renew our spirit to walk on the path of life.

God is amazing. I always believe that if we follow HIS plan, HE would provide us with everything that we need according to HIS will and HIS time. I always know the Holy Spirit have being guiding me to find the right church, the right people, the right job and the right university.

Well, ever since I felt that I being "planted" in Japan. Everything I need would be supplied to me. I felt peace in me. God is always with us and would help us walk thru the storm no matter what.

Lastly, let me tell you all about a song I found.
The youtube site for this song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kESLwpNZ_4

"This road that I'm taking twists and turns.
My Life, My Chance turning dreams into reality.
Down on this path, faced with so many things.
Sometimes I feel like giving up and turn away.

Can't seem to go on. And I've been thru' this before.
Now where am I? Where go I stand? A little lost here.
But I'll remember. All those times you've brought me thru'.
I'd be a fool to give up cos' the goal is near.

I'll move on. I'll go on. Lord I will take your hand.
And you will guide me along. Survive thru' this storm.
Yes, I will walk down this road.
And my passion drive will lead me on.

Here I am. Once again. Caught in the rain.
Looking back . I've come this far. And I want to carry on.

Take a step at a time. It's allright.
Even thru' this rain, I want to smile again.

Don't hold back now. And I've been thru' this before.
Now where am I? Where do I stand?
A little lost here. But I'll remember.
All those times you've brought me thru'.
I can feel the sun shinning down on me.

Here I am. Here I am. Lord I will take your hand.
And you will guide me along. Survive thru' this storm.
So I say, come what may. I'll hold on to my hope.
Yes, I will walk down this road.
And my passion drive will lead me on. "

Sang by Olivia Ong.
Title: I'll Move On

This song here. Tells exactly of my feeling. Everyday no matter where we are. No matter what problem we faced. Just seek God and remember all the good times HE had provide for us. We should have faith in God. Be thankful for each day and be strong everyday in the path that we are walking. One day, we will reach our goal and achieve our vision for God.

God bless people who read this blog. Have a great Easter day. And always be happy.

皆さんは頑張ね。毎日は神さまに頼むね。お元気で。

Boredness in my room

2008-03-22T06:37:00.000-07:00

Have any of you know the meaning of boredome? Try to stuck inside a room for a day. Without talking to anyone for a day and only face the textbooks for study purpose. THAT my friend, it is call ultimate craziness.

For the whole day, I just study my japanese language while watching the rain falls outside the window. It is not a pretty sight plus, it increases the blues in my feeling.

Stuck one day in my room, helps me realized how Japanese feels about their house. Sometimes when I go out with Japanese friends here, I heard something about they doesn't like to stay in their room. They rather spend their time outside with colleagues or friends in bar drinking or go to do some gambling, Pachinko and stuff. Well, it is neither related to money saving or like to stay outside. It is about facing the four wall all the time when reach back home.

Have you felt helplessness and loneliness before? The feeling of loneliness and helplessness starts creeping into you when you are all alone in a room, or facing the four walls without anyone to talk to you and help you solve your boredness.

Staying in Japan really is a challenge for me. No matter when I am outside or inside the room. There is always new things to learn. Now I learn that I must face my own feeling myself. Learned that life is not always noisy and fun. Most of the time is about ourselves. Everyone sometimes have to face the war between our inner self and outer self.

Luckily I have God to be friends with me. No matter how long time past, Friends would leave me. Family would leave me. But God would always be at my side. Helping me to grow and give me encouragements. Felt that I am so lucky to be alive and always have God stay in my heart.

These days, when stay in Japan, such a lonely country. Makes me realized that I need friends more. Not onlt it helps me appreciate my friends more. It also helps me to appreciate my family even more.

The longer I stay in Japan, I realized that Japan itself is a developing country. It is the people. These people, they like to learn. They like to see new ideas and experience new things. Therefore, this country keeps growing. Regardless of their non-generous attitude, this country really unique compare to others. People keep on learning, and they keep on growing in mentally and physically.

Overall, I am impressed with the people here. But one thing I have regrets over this country. It lacks of religion concept. It is true that the bible said. The more advance one country become, the worst their religion concept become. Maybe because the busy factor and the independent factor. Makes everyone feels that they must depend on themselves in order to survive in one world.

Anw, thats all I have to say. Japan is a great country. Hope whoever have the heart to come to Japan, be prepare for one BIG culture shock. And this country really needs gospel. Whoever have the heart to spread gospel in Japan, please come. It would be great to see salvation in Japan.

God bless.

Life Taken for Granted

2008-03-20T08:26:00.000-07:00

My life have always being taken for granted. I never realized how much I had until I felt like loosing it.

This trip back to Malaysia for me is a huge impact in my life. This is a turning point for me. I felt that this trip makes me realized how much family and friends mean for me. It makes me realized that I have lost so much time in the period that I took for granted.

B4 this, I lived in Australia for 5 years. Never felt that I would miss my family. Not even a bit ( Sad to mention but true ). Maybe because I always went back home each year. Now, I have to earn my own living here. All by myself. Without my parents help. It is more like I am starting my own life. So would not be going home so frequent compare to last time. Somehow it makes me sad thinking of it.

Suddenly my life being so sentimental. So emotional.

Living alone in a foreign country all by ourselves can be very tiring. Everything have to be done all by ourselves. Washing clothes, cooking, Repair things, etc, we have to be independent. Feels awkward for me, because all the while parents have my back and keep giving me support and help me go forward. It is awkward that from now on, I have to support my own back and pick myself up.

Life for me is too comfortable all these while. I agree that I had being a kid all these time and maybe caused alot of problem for my family as well. Now I guess I need to grow up and start my own chapter of my life.

Well, thats all from me now. Hope I can find my own path from now on. So that I can prove to everyone that I can live without my parents support and give my parents the re-assurance as well.

Lastly, wanted to say God is always my best friend. Without HIM in my life, I would not be who I am now and end up in where I am now. (^_^)